The Dastardly Unnecessary Adventures Of Sir Tarquin Lamb Pasanda And His Good Colleagues Sirs Fitzwellington Tikka Massala and Gregory Bacon Phaal!


It was pitch black. I couldn't see anything. Was this heaven? If it was, it was a bloody let down. I was moving, but my legs weren't. I seemed to be in a container of some sort... a car boot? I lay there for about five more minutes, breathing lightly. All I remembered was that I was shot... by Harry! Harry had shot me! Right, I fumed silently, he is bloody well off the Christmas card list. The car slowed and came to a halt. The sounds of other cars had faded away. The sound of doors opening came to my attention. The boot suddenly popped open, and a torch flashed in my face. "What the-" A voice exclaimed. A gunshot rang out in my ears and the torch fell away, followed by the figure hitting the ground. A second figure came into view, holding a gun. "Get out of there, chap." It said. It was Harry! I quickly bundled out and moved to the opposite side of the car. "Stay away from me, you arsehole!" I shouted. Harry looked at me. "You do realise what I just did, don't you? I just stopped the other two from killing you." "By SHOOTING me??" I retorted. Harry tutted. "It was a tranquillizer, I had to get you out somehow." I wasn't convinced. "You could shoot me right now! And no one would know!" I said. Harry nodded. "You're right. Here." he chucked me my Colt. I grabbed it and aimed at his head. "Answers," I fumed. "Now."

Harry calmly leant against the car and cleared his throat. "In approximately one day, Subway will launch a missile full of quorn at London. The casualties will be horrific. Also, to add to the drama, Last night, Greggs unveiled their quorn sandwich range. It was not received too well, so people may start pointing the finger at Greggs, and as they slowly fall, Subways will fill, so to speak, their place. Her Majesty's Secret Sandwich Service sent me undercover to find all of that out. However, I fear it's not Subway who are running the show." I lowered the Colt. "The Foe." I muttered. Harry nodded again. "Yes. Almost definitely. He's also using Dr Arsehole and Lord Twattington, manipulating them to do his bidding.I fear he's infiltrated the government as well, meaning if I attempt to contact the SSS, they may accelerate the launch. We're on our own, I'm afraid." I finally holstered the gun. Harry wasn't lying. I could tell. Harry grinned. "You really should of guessed after I said about the money. I have more money than I could possibly need or spend." he extended his hand. "So, what do you say? Will you help me?" I couldn't refuse an old friend. I shook it. "I need to get my team together though." Harry shook his head. "I'm not sure if that's possible. I know three of them have been captives for about two days, and one arrived about four hours ago." I swore. "Well, it's not ALL doom and gloom... we've got a few friends left."

 We all met in the hotel suite we'd be staying in, briefly. After the pre drinks prostitute party, and maybe a few shots, and quite a lot of rohypnol, when we were all slightly more conscious, I announced the plan. " that. Is the plan. Where we're going to get jet packs for hamsters, let alone the actual kung fu hamsters is sort of a problem. But that's the plan... understand?" It wasn't working. I needed to be sober, and quick. Then I remembered a trick my father used to do... something with cheese and a gimp suit... wait, that was to do with the rohypnol, not the alcohol. Damn.

 After asking a completely sober Lady Lucinda to kick me in the testicles (I'm almost certain they're buggered, and anyway, who wants dwarves?), I sobered up and got on with the real plan. I looked at the team: Harry, Dame Daphne, Lady Lucinda, MexaGrego and myself. "Okay team... here's the plan..."

 "MexaGrego will pull up outside the building we now know to be Subway's secret headquarters. He'll be carrying some pizzas. He'll pretend the guards on the door ordered pizzas, and when they don't pay up, he'll make a racket, and be a bloody nuisance.  While they're distracted, Lady Lucinda and Dame Daphne will slip inside, dressed as prostitutes or scientists, whichever one seems more likely. Meanwhile, Harry and I shall jump from the PasandaJet, which I recovered earlier, and use parachutes to reach the roof. From there, we shall take the stairs all the way down to where we suspect the underground silo is. While this is happening, Lucinda and Daphne will find the power room and will attempt to shut down the building's power, thus rendering the missile unable to fire. Mexagrego will be our way out - he'll be standing by with the tour bus Keith Moon gave me. On our way to the silo, Harry and I shall attempt to rescue the others for support when we assault the control room. Lucinda and Daphne, once the power is off, we'll rendezvous on the underground stairs. With or without the captives, we must stop that missile. At all cost. Once the missile is stopped from launching, we shall activate the explosives we'll have planted around the base. Everyone understand?" They all nodded. "Then let's go save London."

 Over the radio, Lucinda reported MexaGrego had approached the guards, and that they were going in. I wished them luck, set the Jet to autopilot and began to kit up, as Harry did the same. We reached the drop zone. I turned to Harry. "See you down there, old chap!" I shouted, over the howl of the wind coming from the open hatch of the Jet. He nodded and lowered his goggles. I took a step back, sprinted to the edge of the Jet and jumped. The exhilaration of the jump was incredible, I was hurtling toward the ground and amazing speed! I pulled the cord and the parachute unfurled, there was a lurch and then I began slowly drifting across Castello, headed for the Subways Base.  I landed on the roof with a jolt, and quickly shedded my jump equipment. Behind me, Harry landed and did the same. We made our way to the door to the third floor. No security on this floor - nothing was up here worth securing. We rapidly descended the staircase to the ground floor, and then finally another floor and found Lady Lucinda and Dame Daphne waiting for us. Daphne was less that pleased to see us so soon as we'd "fucked up her spliff timetable". This was no time to puff the magic dragon. But if we pulled this off, I promised myself I'd smoke a big fat pound of weed. The four of us checked our weapons, and content we were ready, I kicked the door in.

 To me, everything was happening in slow motion. The door led to a giant room, full of consoles and screens and flashing lights. It was also full of scientists and about twenty guards. And, right at the other end of the room was the missile. As tall as a house, as thick as an oak. I raised my gun and fired at the two closest guards, watching the bullets on their journey as the men slowly turned, watching them impact and tear up the men's chests. The others were firing as well, then suddenly, the eerie slow motion and silence was replaced by the sounds of gunfire and a lot of shouting. Already, seven of the guards were down, but the remaining ones fired their fully automatic sub machine guns and pinned us down where we were. Worse, more were arriving. Even worse than that, Dame Daphne had found a corner and was sparking up. It was just Harry, Lucinda and I against at least twenty five fully armed guards. I needed help. I suddenly noticed a sign by a corridor that said CELLS. I told Lucinda to go down there and try and find the others. She sprinted off as Harry and I moved up, closer to our goal. Suddenly, I realised something horrific. The silo door was opening. A countdown appeared on all the screens and a crushing dread filled me.

We had under five minutes to save 7,500,000 people.