The Dastardly Unnecessary Adventures Of Sir Tarquin Lamb Pasanda And His Good Colleagues Sirs Fitzwellington Tikka Massala and Gregory Bacon Phaal!

SIR TARQUIN LAMB PASANDA

A noble warrior, dedicated to the duty he has been honoured with - the vanquishing of The Foe. Along with his fellow noblemen, he has waged battle against The Foe for nigh on a thousand years. After the loss of his family mansion that also served as the Noblemen's HQ he was forced to relocate his noble order to an ever so slightly smaller mansion in a classified area of the country.

Status: Active

 "I shall not rest until your valuables have been liberated!" 

SIR FITZWELLINGTON TIKKA MASSALA


One of the most noble warriors the world has seen, he despises evil and understands the power of persuasion when it comes to getting shiny things off people. Along with the other two noblemen, he fights the terrible being that is The Foe. He had a brass toy monkey as a child that he spoke to for a period of five years. After he they had an argument he smashed it to pieces and this is probably what made him all... mental.
 
Status: Active
 
"(Let me) have that (off) you!" 

SIR GREGORY BACON PHAAL

The stories tell of his hair giving him otherworldly powers do not lie. A powerful asset to the cause and a noble nobleman. The eldest of the current warriors, he has taught the other two the art of "being a grumpy sod" - an invaluable part of the warrior's life. Sheep seem to worship him.

Status: Active

"Bugger off you woolly fiends!"

CAPTAIN HENECTOR PARRBOSSA

The Captain of the Wicked Wench and one of the few remaining allies of the Noblemen. Since he aided them at Tortuga (See Just Food Business, Pt 2) he has joined them on their quest to find Commodore's Cove. Parrbossa is of the old breed and believes in success from the sweat of a man's brow and the strength of his back.

 Status: Unknown

"It be too late alter your first course now, maties! Har har haaaar!" 

MYCHRIS JONES

In the dark recesses of the British Government lives its membrane - Mychris Jones. He is the man the Prime MInister turns to when in doubt. He is the man whose single word can decide the fate of a single person but just as easily a nation. Yet, bafflingly, he is the Director of Her Majesty's Secret Sandwich Service. He understands the Order for their invaluable experience and willing cooperation, yet there is no ally that remains useful forever. His interests are purely pro Britannia and woe betide any man, woman or child that gets in the way of that.

Status: Active

'Quid pro quo, old chap. Quid pro quo.' 

SERJ 'CLOWN' BLENGRIFFIN

A new acquaintance of the team's, Serj serves several sides, slightly sordidly. He is a mercenary, but he has the good grace to know that he should always follow his heart. It should be noted that his heart usually follows money. He has a passion for explosives and percussion, making him a shockingly bad housemate yet unnervingly good terrorist.

Status: Active

'WHY'D I LEAVE THE KEYS UPON THE TABLE? I WANTED TO!' 

DAN 'DIAMOND' DANSON

If diamonds are a girl's best friend, then they're Dan's lovers. Diamond Danson was once a renowned boxer with an almost unheard of pain threshold before it was revealed he had his boxing gloves made 50% pure diamond. After killing seventeen people, the federation realised that something was amiss. Stripped of his title, his fame and his money Dan realised all he had was his ridiculous amount of diamonds. Vowing to never need anything that wasn't diamond or diamond based, he set off on a illustrious career with the CSIA (Central Sandwich Intelligence Agency).

Status: Active 

'DIAMONDS!' 

KING CHROME

King Chrome is an illustrious enemy of all who oppose the internet's true purpose of sharing data. Officially, he's wanted in 54 different countries but none of them are bothering to attempt to track him - he's listed as MIA in 53 of them. The 54th country, Britain, employs him on a freelance basis. He currently works closely with the Order as their mission controller from his tech hub deep within the HQ. Once had a nasty row with a Black Knight.

Status: Active

'Y U NO FIND THE FOE YET?' 

VISCOUNT BENSON CHOW MEIN

Dame Bebelia has a contender when it comes to common sense in Benson. Usually clumsy accident prone and insane, Benson has inadvertently helped solve problems. He has a dog called Rusky who is his faithful friend and mentor.

Status: Inactive

"MA NAME IS BENSON CHOW MEEEEEIN"

DAME DAPHNE CHEDDAR PICKLE


A master of seduction who has bewitched many a man in her time. Once feared by the warriors as a witch, they have now come to see that she is pretty "buff". Little is known about her past except from a nasty incident involving Germany and the rest of the world. Fire is her true love.
 
Status: Inactive 
"Flames are strangely mesmerising." 

SIR MONTGOMERY TUNA MAYO

The recently deceased ex-leader of the noblemen, he met a sticky end at a motorway services, run over by a deranged servant of The Foe. He was a father to the other noblemen and with his unhealthly obsession with adult videos, the most controversial. Caffeine was his ally.

Status: KIA

 "You call this coffee? I've had little girls stronger than this!"

SIR JIMOTHY LAMB KORMA


Dame Bebelia's man whore, but was a valued member of the team. His ability to transform into a muffin was impressive, yet slightly unhelpful as he slowly melted and couldn't move, and occasionally gets nibbled on by the team. Has a huge and uncontrollable fear of lemon pledge and long haired bassists. The latter suspected to be serious...
 
Status: KIA
 
"Superspecialawesomechocolateyfudgecoveredmuffintransform!" 

DAME BEBELIA PEANUT BUTTER

She's no fool, she knows her ACB. Usually working at The HQ with her lover she rarely does any actual work, has no idea where India is on a map and almost caused WW3 by leaning back on Sir Tarquin's emergency nuclear launch button. Go figure.

 Status: MIA

 "STDs? That's okay, I don't text while we have sex." 

MEXICAN GREGORY

No one really knows who he is, or where he came from, or why we bothered to put him in the storyline, but he has yet to reveal his true identity. Sir Gregory seems to get along with him and they are pretty similar. Apart from the whole Mexican thing, of course. However Mexican Gregory has been instrumental as the liaison between the Noblemen and Her Majesty's Secret Sandwich Service (HMSSS).

Status: Inactive

 "Eviction? No senoir! Par favoure!" 

LEFTENANT GENERAL BAPS

A natural leader of men, the Lt. General commands the fiercest detachment of soldiers in the modern world - the SASS (Special Air Sandwich Service). An old and loyal friend of the Three, he has always offered his services in the battle against The Foe. A truly incorruptible and outstanding man.

Status: Active

'When in danger of not winning, focus on not losing.' 

LADY LUCINDA CHICKEN CAESAR

An Ex-Order member and Dr Arsehole is her ex. She left after the tragic death of her hamster and until recently she was living in Venice and is a good friend of Sir Tarquin's. Several events have caused her to rejoin the Order.

Status: Active

 

"Mein Hamster! NEEEEEEEEIIIIIIN!" 

THE FOE

The living (or possibly not living) embodiment of all that is ill in the world. He is the true cause of unhappiness for everything. A bad loser at poker and an even worse winner, he is rumoured to be one of the first noblemen who had had a bit too much to drink and decided to go mental. La Roux is its favourite band.

 Status: ??????

 "GIVE ME YOUR PENSION!" 

LORD TWATTINGTON NASTINESS

Little is known about him, only that he is Sir Tarquin's arch nemesis, and will stop at nothing to piss him off. He is believed to be working for The Foe, but only because it pisses Sir Tarquin off.

Status: Unknown

"I shall not rest until Sir Tarquin is bloody well miffed beyond belief!" 

DR ARSEHOLE 

Everyone knows this guy for one thing - his capacity to be a massive twat. Even The Foe doesn't like him, but uses him for all the stuff he can't be bothered to do himself. His existence is yet to be justified.

Status: Incarcerated

 "You might hate me, but Myspace fucking loves me!" 

JUNG DIM SUM

The leader of the Dim Sum Dynasty, tasked with hunting down the Noblemen for The Foe. His fleet sail the seas preying on merchant vessels and seaside towns.

Status: MIA

"It's just good business." 

DR ABASI SAINT-JAMES

Commonly known as "The Witch Doctor", Dr. Saint-James is a discredited biologist and chemist in league with Dr. Arsehole. Rumoured to have been raised a child soldier by a Ugandan Warlord, his ferocity and psychotic determination is only matched by his unparalleled scientific mind. That, and his insatiable lust for Jaffa Cakes.

Status: Incarcerated

"Don't test me boy, I've a black belt in Origami."

GRAVY JONES

The horrifying captain of The Frying Dutchman and another enemy of the Noblemen. Although seen as a blaisé and hotheaded individual, he has command of the sea with the help of his pet, the Crackhen.

Status: Unknown

 

"The Locker's waiting for you, Pasanda!" 

THE JANITOR

A character of mystery, he has been secretive and bloody hard to find for as long as anyone can remember. What his connection with Dr Arsehole and The Foe could be is yet to be discovered.

Status: KIA

"The true mystery is the soul, but no one investigates it." 

THE OPIUM MONKEY

A mystical monkey that is shrouded in mystical stuff.

Status: ???

"Puff"